Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
