i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
