I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Randomize
