I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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