"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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