Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
Randomize
