sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize
