im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize