If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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