Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
My ass is underappreciated
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
