My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
i think i scared a bird with my dick
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
A+ Viking dick
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
