Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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