I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
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