I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
lol hangovers are for mortals.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
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