I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
I think I'm cybering, it's been a while and its more in depth than it was in 8Th grade.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
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