i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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