we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
Randomize
