I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
