I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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