I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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