She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
