Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
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