you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
