i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
Watching her eat just hurts me
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
