Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Randomize
