how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
Randomize
