2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
im on a boat
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