I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize