so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize