I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
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