Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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