She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
