you guys were way drunker than both of me
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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