Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
