happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
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