Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Randomize
