Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
Randomize
