My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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