I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Randomize
