did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
