The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Randomize
