This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
