haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
We smell like vodka and hangover
Randomize
