Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Randomize
