Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
Randomize
