He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize