Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
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