come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
