i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Randomize
