i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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