Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
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