totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
Randomize