Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
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