OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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